just another leap of faith (KNY, GenTan)
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1.
“Tanjirou. Here.“
His face was red, redder than red, almost turning burgundy from the embarrassment. It was the first time in the month they’ve been together Genya would show anything romantic or affectionate towards his boyfriend, this time being a book Tanjirou had been wanting to read for as long as he knew him.
The book as in wasn’t really a big deal, but getting it was really hard, to be honest. This world, being taken away from humanity by demons as they speak, was deteriorating at such a fast pace most things they used to do weren't available now, from chatting with their loved ones to doing the groceries. It got that bad that doing basic stuff he remembers from his childhood like going to the bookstore downtown and getting something was almost an odyssey.
Which, by the way, was an odyssey.
He remembers how he armed himself up to his teeth to get outside of their hideout, as well as how he found himself fighting hordes of different beasts seeking for any source of food –literally humans– going berserk at the sight of a living being.
Having to deal with such a deteriorated world, working under the promise of being the ones who will be the hope for the rebirth of this cursed place was really exhausting for him and his team.
But, you know. With Tanjirou things have a brighter light. And that’s why he’s here now, one hand handling a poorly wrapped gift, and the other covering his face away from him.
“What’s this?“ his eyes were glowing with curiosity, just shy from ripping the paper apart right there.
“Just open it.“
Tanjirou gave another small glance to the poorly done envelope before opening it, gasping loudly at the surprise waiting for him under thick layers of brown paper.
“You found it!“
“Somehow, yeah. You kept being all annoying about wanting to read it or whatever so I thought--“
His speech was interrupted by Tanjirou tugging him down into a hug. The warmth that was once located in his face quickly spread down his neck and around his chest. The tremors inside his ribcage calming down under Tanjirou’s care, so sweet, so soft and unique, a feeling he will never get used to.
“Thank you. I love you, Genya.“
2.
Something Genya loves with a burning passion is to mess with Tanjirou.
Grab the can he tried so hard to reach from the shelf and move it even higher, ruffle his hair until it's all tangled and messy, poke his cheeks every now and then just because, drop all his weight over him so he carries him around, and so on.
It didn't go any further than that – different ways to get Tanjirou's attention. He doesn’t know if it was because he was used to it –not thanks to the group of people he willingly tried to befriend–, but Tanjirou never truly complained about it. More than that, he’d carry on with his life as if it was something normal, and rarely would get upset.
Something that was nothing but a fuel for Genya to keep acting like a spoiled brat around him.
So, one day he felt like being extra annoying –and needy– around him. Today was another free day from the missions, so they didn't do much other than the usual workout and basic training to not lose their form given the case of a sudden battle.
And so, his target was clear this time. He'd mess with Tanjirou's work out session just because, again, he's feeling that way.
He didn't plan to do anything today, so he just followed Tanjirou around, casually leaving small pecks on his cheeks or hugging him from behind. To be fair, he wanted to know how much of Genya’s clingy self he could tolerate.
Seems it was a lot, to be honest. Following him, leaving no distance between them, fooling around and interrupting his daily tasks like a cat would. He did all the things he wanted to, but Tanjirou didn't falter, he didn't even seem upset as he expected.
But he still wouldn't give him the attention he wanted. Genya started to feel a little frustrated, today his plan didn’t seem to go smoothly like he wanted to. It was rather filled with failed attempts and he started to run out of ideas.
Until Tanjirou started his workout session, and after stretching the necessary, Genya realized the first thing on the list was a set of push-ups.
Perfect .
“Genya, please -you're too heavy oh my god--“
Genya Did Not Move From His Place. He was very much comfortable sitting on Tanjirou’s back right now.
“C'mooonnnn“
“I know you can do it, I believe in you.“
“God--“ one of his arms gave up on the overwhelming weight put on Tanjirou's back and they both fell on the floor, one of them because he lost balance, and the other because he forgot he could actually fall and didn't prepare any plan for that.
They were both laying on the floor when Genya, satisfied with all Tanjirou's attention put back to him, started poking his cheeks, pouting.
“Are you happy now?“
“Not yet.“
He is satisfied, yes, but he isn't happy yet. There is still something missing, a small itchy feeling on the back of his neck, or rather, the top of his lips.
Placing his shoulder on the floor to help himself up, he gently caressed Tanjirou's hair, traveling down his face and his thumb finding home on his lips. He pressed slightly with his thumb, eyes focused on Tanjirou's, the air between them would grow dense with the tension they created.
Moving his hand away, Genya leaned down to press their lips together, a strong fire burning inside his chest as they went deeper into their kiss, two pieces fitting perfectly together in the puzzle that is their lives without each other.
To be fair, times like these are almost sarce, moments they would give in just for themselves and their time together. Given the high demand from the corps, days like these became rarer, and if they ever happened, they would be wasted on something else, mundane. Genya would feel the hunger building up inside him at the lack of any form of physical contact. Any kiss, any touch would flint and light a fire inside him, asking for more and more and not finding a limit to his needs.
And what he needs is pretty simple – Kamado Tanjirou.
He would gladly devour any noise coming from Tanjirou's mouth, low and small, short and messy, trying to remind him that they weren't alone today in the basement and it would be better if they stopped now .
So he did, reluctantly at first, parting away feeling like a challenge, the most difficult task of the day. Even though he was seemingly over, he still left some small pecks that fell straight on his mouth, going back down to his neck and hiding there for a hot second.
He felt two hands tracing small circles on his hair. “You know, you could’ve just said it.”
Sitting back up in place and crossing his arms, Genya looked down on the mess he made. “You signed up for this.“
“My god, Shinazugawa Genya. You're too much.“ Tanjirou sat back in place, grabbing the neck of his tank top and tugging him down with his own weight. “I love you so much.“
3.
A grunt came out of Genya’s throat.
“Oh, so you’re complaining now!“
“Yeah, because it hurts!“
“You could’ve completely avoided this, you know!“ Tanjirou pressed Genya’s wound, a deep cut on his right arm, and wrapped it tightly with a bandage.
“Well, what else did you want me to do?“
“I don't know!“ Tanjirou sighed. Then he moved to treat Genya's injuries on his back. “I don’t know,“ he mumbled this time.
He can't deny he fucked up majestically this time.
Tanjirou is right, he should've avoided this, he should've been more careful. Hell, he is a lot more careful trying to not wake up Nezuko than he is during battle –different priorities, as he likes to call them– and even though that pisses Tanjirou off, Genya can't seem to change his mindset.
This time he overstepped all the boundaries, all the walls and lines that keep Tanjirou's anger in place. He played with his patience and he's dealing with the consequences now. Well, that, and many injuries all over his body, those that didn't heal properly while he was in his demon state.
“You worry too much.“
“Of course I worry, idiot!“ Tanjirou smacked the back of his neck. “I worry a lot about you.“
“Well you shouldn’t,“ his own anger was starting to build up inside him, something about people being so overprotective always bothered him.
“Bad for you, I will .“
Genya groaned, already upset at this whole exchange. He understands the worry, the care, but it doesn’t bother him any less. Tanjirou should be worried about himself, about his little sister, his friends, whatever. But not him .
He’s not worth anyone’s worry or time. Not even he himself worries about him, so why should the rest do that?
“I know what you’re thinking right now, and you’re wrong,“ gently patting the last band aid placed on his shoulder, Tanjirou grabbed the first aid kit and stood up while Genya was putting his shirt back on. He left it on the shelf, and then he sat by his side, head laying gently on his right shoulder, hand sneaking under to grab Genya's.
“Reading minds now?“ he let go of Tanjirou’s hand to hug him closer instead.
Tanjirou snorted. “No, I just know you.“
They sat in silence for long, long minutes. Genya knew there was something Tanjirou wanted to say, but it seemed it was too hard to put into words, or too simple to say out loud. It would be the first time he would see his partner so conflicted in finding the proper words, the first time he sees him going through the same struggle he experiences every single day of his life.
Tanjirou always loved to voice his feelings. Everyone would know if he was feeling happy and cheeky or angry and stressed, and if they didn't know, Tanjirou would say it, no hesitation needed.
For Genya, that task alone was completely different. It was harder than all the fights they're put into every day. He'd rather swallow everything up than say anything and let his feelings out, free in the wild.
There are some feelings he can’t decipher, as they’re either too complex or painful to dig into and explore in depth, but there are other feelings that he understands far too well, and are what keeps him here, by his side. The happiness and warmth Tanjirou makes him feel is incomparable, unbeatable. The life that comes from his words, from the gentle touch on his skin with rough, yet still soft hands tracing his scars, scolding him for being reckless, or the moments where all the strength left in his body breaks apart and seeks comfort on Genya, trusting his deepest fears and secrets.
All of that.
He knows how he feels around Tanjirou.
Now, to say it out loud… that’s a different story.
He wonders if that’s how Tanjirou is feeling right now, still fidgeting by his side. He wasn’t going to pressure him into saying anything, so they sat like that for the next minutes, listening to the radio repeating the same song over and over.
After a while, Tanjirou decided to speak out.
“I love you, Genya. And I worry about you a lot.“
4.
This isn’t fair.
What he’s doing to Tanjirou isn’t fair. It isn’t fair.
He had been so focused on himself he didn’t understand, nor see, what he was doing to Tanjirou. How much harm he had been causing him by being this way, by being reckless, silent, quiet, cold, frivolous. He didn’t know that was causing him so much pain, making him feel insecure and neglected.
The small conversation they had the other day keeps going around in his mind, tormenting him at random times, making his heart break a little every time he’d remember Tanjirou’s voice saying those words.
He couldn’t forget it, and he wasn’t forgiving himself for having pushed Tanjirou to this point.
There are so many flaws Genya didn’t take care of, so many of them that were nothing but a ticking bomb reaching the last ten seconds, threatening him and everyone around to get hurt and causing irreparable damage to everyone he has ever been with. There was so much he needed to work on that, for years, he didn’t know where to start.
And he never started.
And now he can see why that was so wrong.
But, let’s be real, where is he supposed to start? There’s so much in him that’s wrong , there’s so much he needs to fix to be the ideal person, the ideal boyfriend Tanjirou deserves . There are so many things from his personality, his mindset, his way of expressing himself, to his very outside, like his scars, so unsightly that most people wouldn’t stare for too long without feeling disgusted , or his hands, rough and calloused to no end, and the list goes on and on.
He’s starting to wonder, why is Tanjirou even dating him at all?
The world seems to be reaching the point of an apocalyptic devastation, losing its last bit of life. They could be focused on something else rather than their own feelings, but Tanjirou chose both, he picked him , his family, and the sake of humanity and moved forward, not making any step unless everything else is by his side.
But why is that?
And why him , from all people?
It felt like something was starting to eat him alive, a void growing inside the core of his chest and sucking in all the positive things he once felt, leaving nothing but the whispers reminding him how worthless he is, darkness ahead of him, loneliness reeking from the walls as he was let alone another day while Tanjirou went out for a mission.
He spent the rest of the week like this, hating himself to no end for this mistake – which could've been something small, but for him was worth being abandoned in the building with his own thoughts, weeping internally every night and craving the affection only Tanjirou knows to give.
On the fifth day, Tanjirou came back to their improvised home just to find the self hatred disaster Genya turned into.
He didn't say anything, it seems like Genya doesn't really need to say a word for Tanjirou to understand he’s not okay. Or maybe it was because Genya was so insufferably clingy it was hard to not believe he's having a bad time, or is in a bad mood.
It was a matter of time before Tanjirou asked him what's wrong.
“Nothing.“
“C'mon, I know there's something,“ Tanjirou's fingers were tangled on Genya's hair, playing gently with the strands of ink falling down his head up to his shoulders.
Genya sighed. “I missed you, that's it.“
“Hmm,“ he accommodated himself down in their shared bed, laying now on his side to face him, staring directly into his eyes. “I don't believe you.“
It's not a lie that he was too embarrassed to admit he was dwelling too hard into a small sentence he was told weeks ago, considering even that he was the worst being that put a foot into this planet and deserved to die alone. But if there’s something he can’t put a fight into, it’s to Tanjirou’s persistence. And they’d have to talk about it eventually, to be honest.
So he just spit all his thoughts out with no filter nor skipping any detail. He realized too late that it was maybe a lot to digest, but once he started he couldn’t find a way to stop it. His insecurities about this relationship have always been there, a whole different story would be if he had given himself the time to talk about them.
It was a lot. Too much, even. From the very beginning to the end, it was just a long thread that would get thinner and thinner trying to carry the weight of his insecurities, his fears, his nightmares, his irrational fear of yet another person leaving from his life.
It felt so heavy under it he was afraid it would break one day, and he didn't know what would happen if that were the case.
But, as always, Tanjirou was there. He was down there, watching from afar, waiting for it to fall so he would grab all his problems, all of them with both hands. Making whatever seemed big for him so small compared to the overwhelming love Tanjirou was willing to give without needing anything in return.
When he stopped his nonsensical rambling, he waited for so many things. Maybe Tanjirou is offended, maybe he’s angry, maybe he’ll laugh, maybe he’ll cry and Genya will make things worse. So many maybes, none of them what he was about to receive in response.
“Genya.“
“Yes.“
“You know I love you, right?“
He swallowed a big chunk of air, then replied, “I do.“
“I love all of you. All the good things you are, and all the things you think are flaws. I love all of them,“ he cupped Genya’s face with both hands, “I love your pretty face, I love your voice, the way you care about everyone in your own way... I love everything about you, Genya. And I couldn’t have asked for anything else, because you’re all I ever wanted.“
There was a lot going through his mind, things he didn’t know were that simple until now, and just as simple as they were, they still played with his head like a puppet, controlled by the threads Genya pulled to keep sabotaging himself.
He wanted to reply, he wanted to say something, anything, but the tears he had been holding up during Tanjirou's confession were stronger, thicker. All he could do was pull Tanjirou closer and cling onto him until the fog inside his head vanished.
5.
The fight against the demon was getting too hard, Genya was losing his strength, visible fatigue caused by his powers fading away.
The demon was a tricky one, he would copy your movements and attacks, increasing his speed intermittently, so did his strength at times, a whole headache to deal with. Not knowing when the next big blow would take place, the demon would buy time easily. Tanjirou and Genya were already exhausted as their stamina would be consumed by dodging the attacks and trying to reach the demon's neck.
Honestly, Genya didn’t know what to do.
Finding something to eat was already out of pure luck, and it lasted almost nothing. He could still try and shoot the demon, but he would shoot back, and that was dangerous both for him and Tanjirou. Specially Tanjirou.
He can’t hurt Tanjirou.
He doesn't even know why Ubuyashiki thought it was a good idea to send both of them together on such a difficult mission, which was easy, but turned out hard no thanks to him.
Because Tanjirou would have solved this easily without him getting in the way.
But here they are now, Genya barely can stand, shooting mindlessly and dodging all the bullets coming back in the same direction. Meanwhile Tanjirou is trying to get closer to the demon, but it was no good. They felt trapped, they knew what the demon's plan was: to make them get exhausted to the point of passing out, and kill them.
It wasn't until Genya tripped and fell on the hard asphalt that the repetitive attack-and-hide pattern changed abruptly.
There were few things he could recognize – the smell of the mossy asphalt, wet with their sweat and the demon’s blood, the moonlight barely giving him a hint of what’s in front of him, his heart aching and racing, his ears numb after the nonstop explosions that come from his gun... and Tanjirou's body over him, quiet, panting, bleeding .
He couldn’t understand, not now that his beloved partner was sweating cold, body laying in front of him after Genya hurriedly dragged him away from the zone, the grumbling of the demon, now thirsty for blood more than survival, was all around the place. But he didn’t seem to find them yet.
“Idiot, idiot! What the fuck did you just do?!“ Genya tried to find all the wounds around Tanjirou’s body and cover them with the improvised bandage – his shirt, now ripped into little pieces.
He couldn’t think of anything else, his mind kept repeatedly chanting press his wounds , a vivid reminder of that fearful day his family was slaughtered in front of his eyes.
“You… fell…“ Tanjirou hissed at the pain, then continued, “you were in danger...“
“I can regenerate anytime, you idiot! Why did you do this? Why did you just--jump in front of me?!“
Tanjirou smiled fondly, his face pale and fragile like porcelain, a shaky hand placed on Genya’s cheek.
“Because I love you.“
6.
There were cables everywhere.
All over his head, connected to his arm, barely hanging on the bed. Bandages all over his body. The repetitive sound of his heartbeat monitored by the machine was the only sound in the background.
His skin was still pale, his breathing steady and slow, his hands cold like ice.
And his eyes wouldn't open.
Genya didn’t know what to feel. There was nothing he could do right now, just wait and keep waiting until he wakes up. If he ever wakes up.
He doesn’t know how many days have passed, it didn’t matter either. What could’ve been a week has felt like long years without Tanjirou. The guilt that once dissipated away came back with full force, his weakness being the very reason why they’re here right now.
He still felt like there was no point in berating himself for this, as that wouldn’t solve anything either. Confronting his feelings or ignoring them, that didn’t matter.
Tanjirou was still connected to a fucking machine.
And it felt horrible.
He couldn’t sleep at night, he would wake up the next morning and there was no progress on his recovery. Genya was stuck in a limbo, walking on a thin line that barely could keep himself together, though he didn’t know why or for whom he was trying to keep himself composed.
But honest to god, was there a point in doing anything at all?
Just like Tanjirou, Genya was rooted inside the same room, the only moments he would move had to be extremely necessary. He spent the whole time there, sitting by his side, sometimes holding his hand waiting for something, anything to happen.
He didn’t even have any hopes, he just wanted for this – whatever it is, whatever he’s feeling right now, to be over as soon as possible.
The image of Tanjirou laying down in a hospital bed, not moving a finger, felt like a thousand needles stabbing his bleeding heart.
His thoughts would vanish and switch from place to place on the rhythm of the screen mimicking Tanjirou’s heartbeat, from nostalgia to anger, from sadness to emptiness, from frustration to incompetence. From A to Z, hopping from all the stars they would name on lonely nights, whispering the words they wouldn't say out loud, dancing around, hands on fire, playing with death, messing up with the destiny waiting for them, cheating on all the milestones settled in their lifetimes as a threat, as a challenge.
Tanjirou was right in front of him, but Genya still missed him so much.
And then, his thoughts overflowed.
“You cannot do this to me.“
And they couldn’t stop.
“No, this is unfair.“
All the thoughts he tried to hold back were suddenly on the front door, and he couldn’t stop them.
“If you leave, what will happen, then? What about Nezuko, what about the idiots? What about me?“
He held Tanjirou’s hand, it was unbelievably cold. He held it with both hands trying to warm it up.
“If you leave, who will be there for me, if not you?“ small cracks would suffice in his voice, “who will be there for me every morning, and with me every night?“
There was no answer.
Genya scoffed, trying to wipe away the tears from his face almost violently.
“I’m talking to you as if you’ll say anything, how stupid.“
Even though he felt embarrassed at the thought of talking to the resemblance of a wall, there was some sort of relief, a very much needed catharsis into spilling his thoughts to the air, where no one but himself –and Tanjirou– would listen.
It was frustrating to not receive an answer, a laugh, a smile back. It was just as painful, not getting better any time. But he still did anyways, hoping for a response, waiting for a word to come out of his lips.
Since that day, it has become a small routine between them. His self becoming more talkative every day, maybe to make up for the lack of the chatting side of them. Most of the time he would narrate past moments in their lives, short confessions on his thoughts from those days, small stories from when he was younger, from way before they met.
And every day, he would finish them with the same sentence:
“I miss you so much.“
A month passed by now, and Genya started to lose hope. He felt like he ran out of stories, or got too tired to repeat them over and over. His feelings were getting more and more overwhelming, the little strength he had left was already gone.
Just staring at his little face was enough for him to break apart, the only warmth in the room was from the tears that wouldn't stop falling down his cheeks.
"I miss you so much, Tanjirou," his thumb would go up and down his hand, still trying to warm it up like the first day, "so much."
He tried to breathe, but it was too hard, as if his lungs had frozen with the place.
"I can't move on if you're not here. I can't if you're not by my side. I need you-- god I need you so bad, you absolute moron."
The quiet room, four white walls with the only source of light being the screens around them started filling up with the echoes of Genya's never-ending sobs, noise he is not proud about but cannot possibly control anyways.
“I love you so much, Tanjirou. I can’t afford to lose you. Anything but you.”
The lack of response was painful, he felt his heart falling down inside his chest, heavy like a pile of rocks, breaths shorter and faster as he placed his head down to weep his frustration out.
It wasn’t until a long minute after when he felt a strange feeling over his head, drawing the small circles, playing with his hair with slow, slow movements, which were almost imperceptible given the little weight they carried.
He raised his head, not truly believing what was in front of him. Which was funny, because it was the only thing he had been watching for the past month and so.
On the other side, there he was, smiling fondly at him, a small sorry showing on his sight, trying to wipe Genya’s tears away –impossible task for someone who just woke up from a coma–, mouthing words only they would understand.
Genya sighed and thanked all gods in the same breath.
“You scared the shit outta me.”