if you're lost then I'll find you, if you're hurt then I'll fix you (KNY, GenTan)
"Hey, hey Genya."
"Hm?"
Big round eyes sparkled with the strength of a thousand stars, two bright lights reflecting the pure innocence of Tanjirou's heart at age five. They were both sitting on the sandbox after an exhausting day playing in the park while their mothers kept chatting in the back.
"Did you know, when two people like each other very much, they get married!"
"Married? what is that?" Genya was, just like every friday, digging on the sandbox trying to find new treasures.
"Mom said dad gave her a ring, and since then they live together. Isn't that cool?"
"...Yeah I guess so," frustrated at another failed attempt to find gold or the mythical tunnel to the other side of the world, Genya shook his hands to remove the rests of the sand that got stuck between his fingers. "Why are you telling me that, though?"
"Well, Genya, do you like me?" Tanjirou scooted closer, face bright as always.
"Huh? well…” he had to break the eye contact to answer to his blunt question, “yeah."
"Then, promise me--wait" he stopped his speech to look for something inside his pockets, it was a ring pop, now covered with dust and other unidentified stuff that should better stay as that, then he continued. "Once we're bigger-like mom and dad, y’know? That old."
Genya nodded in response.
"Yeah, well, then... let's get married!"
“...”
Genya can't really remember what was his response or his reaction at all, maybe it was too embarrassing to keep it in his memories, or it makes him feel so nostalgic and sad he'd rather not think about it.
Fogged and confused are the memories from those days, just like his heart every time he tries to recollect them and finish the unsolved puzzle his brain left behind when it tried to get rid of all the events that occured that year. He knows he shouldn’t have done that, but there was nothing he could’ve done to avoid it. There was no time to save anything more than that small promise they made; so casual, so innocent that Tanjirou probably doesn’t remember it anymore.
He just wished he had met him under other circumstances, in another universe, maybe. In a world where he didn’t have to leave a week after they made the most silly and childish vow.
What Tanjirou was for him back then hasn’t changed much from now, to be honest. Sure, he grew up, he’s like five times bigger and clearly smarter –or so he hopes– and he may have blocked any memory related to that cursed place, but one thing he remembers is the way his heart would flutter and bloom every time he’d hear Tanjirou’s voice calling for his name, always there to pat his back whenever he’d be crying without meddling too much into the mess inside his mind, narrating the deepest secrets and stories from the neighborhood or doing whatever it takes to keep his focus on something else aside from the constant, loud yelling happening inside his house.
They left all together at night. It was so, so cold the tips of his fingers were tinted with a dark red, almost turning purple. The memories from that night are just as vivid as if they happened this morning.
Mother was crying, but she still managed to keep herself composed to take care of the smaller ones, Sanemi was carrying most of the bags, filled with the essentials to survive few nights before moving to another city, and the rest of them were handled to Genya, who just took them without asking anything, despite having so many questions causing a storm inside his chest he could drive everyone mad.
How much he would’ve wanted to know, to know they were going to disappear, that they were probably never come back, so he would’ve told Tanjirou so many things, as many as a six year old can say – or, maybe, just one simple sentence: “I will be back.”
Of course, now he knows better. He knows saying anything would’ve ruined mother’s plan, so he can’t really complain about it, though he really wanted to.
But enough of that.
He’s back now, and that’s all that matters, isn’t it?
Genya sighed.
With a heavy heart, he knows he can’t fix something that was out of his reach thirteen years ago. He doesn’t have the rights to tell Tanjirou he came to marry him, without really knowing if his feelings are still the same as back then. But honestly? He’ll be good with just knowing Tanjirou remembers him.
God, how much he wants to be greeted by that beautiful smile, back then missing some teeth, but still as pretty as always. How much he wants to see those round eyes, bright like dim light inside a dark room, which may seem like nothing for most people, but for Genya they were more, they were like a grasp of hope, a warm feeling he never got to meet again after they left, they were a sense of freedom, a reminder that, if he keeps going, good things are waiting for him on the end of the line.
Wow, how much he misses Tanjirou. It’s impossible to measure it in words, numbers, gestures, anything. It was a confusing feeling he never had the chance to decipher, he didn’t know if it hurt or if it meant any good, but whenever he’d sit to think about it, the urge to run away and find him and just talkto him would only grow bigger and bigger to the point of desperation.
And that’s what led him here.
He’s sweating, holding his breath and trying to let go shakily. His vision was blurred, a mute thud would resound repeatedly behind his ears, making it impossible to calm down.
Will he be welcomed? Is Tanjirou the same person he used to be? No, he probably isn’t, what makes him think things will stay the same? He’s an idiot.
But... will Tanjirou remember? Does he remember how they would talk about how much they lovedeach other and would live as a happily married couple until they were old, annoying grandpas complaining together about whatever the world would turn into?
Is there anything keeping them together, aside from that memory that he most likely forgot?
Standing in front of the Kamado’s house, he doesn’t even know if Tanjirou will be the one to open the door.
Breathe in.
Okay.
He knocked the door. The wait lasted just few seconds.
Distracted by his siblings making a mess inside, there he was. With that same smile, with those same eyes, with that exact caring undertone in his words, the same brightness in his personality, that same warmth inside himself.The same kind of presence that would turn everything around him into dust, stop the time flowing around and making all the noise stop abruptly into nothing, all the people surrounding them would disappear, leaving the two of them alone, facing each other in a silence only they could understand.
Thirteen years, and his heart never managed to beat this fast, this hard for any other person than Kamado Tanjirou.
“Genya…” his smile, once directed at his siblings slowly faded as his eyes began to glimmer with tears, “...is it really you?”
“Tanjirou, I’m-I’m so sorry for lea--”
He had a whole speech prepared for that day, his notebook was covered in notes on what he should say on the day he’d finally meet him again and tell him he hasn’t forgotten, but that went all to trash when Tanjirou almost tackled him into a hug, weeping uncontrollably in his arms.
When was the last time Genya cried…? He really can’t recall, after the imminent breakdown on the Shinazugawa family, he had to pick all the pieces of himself and glue them together to support his mother’s wounded heart with the help of Sanemi, who seemed to know about what had been happening way before. There was no time to feel properly, other things were his priority back then.
But,
But now,
“I missed you so much.”
But now…
“...and--and I haven’t forgotten.”
Now,
“And I’m never leaving again, I promise. I promise.”
Returning the hug to the person that apparently couldn’t bring himself to say anything besides idiot, you idiot, he finally let out a long sigh, tears now falling down, uncontrollable and fierce, trying their very best to extinguish the fire burning inside his chest.
Now, he will focus on his own happiness.
***
Of course, he remembers.
Something made Tanjirou wake up the night Genya left. Maybe it was the moonlight crossing the window and falling directly into his eyes, maybe it was the noise from his little siblings snoring heavily in the room, maybe it was the soft sobbing of Genya’s mother and the constant sushing from his older brother, but whatever it may be, he was very much awake and worried. So he took a peek from his window.
There were a lot of things happening outside, but the message was clear for Tanjirou. At the age of five, he understood instantly. Actually, he understood the very first time he saw Genya on that park, place that gave birth to the best memories stored in his mind, hiding between some bushes and covering his little, little ears as big, endless tears fell down his round face.
Genya had to leave, he couldn’t say goodbye, he just had to leave.
He could’ve yelled for him to come back, he could’ve sneaked his way outside to follow him, he could’ve done so many things. But he didn’t move.
That night was cold, but his face met the warmth traveling down his face, the tears were hot, uncomfortable, but felt like the sweet caressing of his mother’s soft hands on his cheeks whenever she’d praise him for being a good kid.
Sniffing and trying to keep himself quiet so he wouldn’t wake anyone up, he saw Genya’s back become smaller and smaller while he and his family walked hurriedly down the street. He was giving up on the idea of seeing him again when Genya, who was already tiny on the view as his family kept walking forward, turned back to stare at Tanjirou’s house.
The look in his eyes were clear, determined, but still filled with fear of the unknown future waiting for him and the same sadness that has been plastered in his face since he knows him.
Words never came out of his mouth, and what felt like years back then could’ve been just few seconds, but he already knew what he wanted to say.
I will be back.
And then, Tanjirou has been waiting for that untold promise to become true.
To be fair, he felt close to giving up so many times, crying casually fearing for the worst, trying to digest the idea that he’d never see Genya again and blaming himself for not doing anything to help him, to be there with him, to at least say goodbye. There were so many things that were left untold that night they still haunt him even today.
He wanted to close that chapter so many times, but there was something holding him back from doing so. It could be hope, it could be the way his heart never gave up on him, it could be the idea of being able to see him again, to hold his hand, to share once again those days of happiness that refused to come back.
When he opened that door, it felt like everything finally made sense.
“I haven’t forgotten.”
And he’s so glad he didn’t forget either.
