...and the promise we made (KNY, GenTan)
It has been so long since Tanjirou and Genya started dating. By this time, they already know everything about each other, every secret, every hidden talent, and their stories, some they shared together, and some they experienced on their own loneliness. They know what they like, what they hate, what they deeply fear, what they can’t tolerate and what they can do to tease the other or mess around with them.
They made a deal long time ago to trust each other every day. You were feeling at unease on the ride back home because someone was staring to you? Then they both would have a conversation about how they felt and what they could do –if they could intervene– to make you feel better. You wanted some distance because you got into a heated argument with your brother? Then once you cool down you will both talk about it and give each other the support they need.
This time, Genya couldn’t feel this trust coming from Tanjirou.
And it hurt him so much.
Because he could see Tanjirou trying really hard to not cry on the middle of the lecture, because he could see him smile back at him with empty eyes, because he knew Tanjirou was hurting and didn’t want to tell him, most likely because he didn’t want to make them lose their focus on their finals.
Genya didn’t want to push him too much to talk about it, because he knows Tanjirou is the kind of person who doesn’t allow himself to feel bad, like he must be the one helping others, instead of giving himself some time. And it hurts to see him like this. And it hurts to not find the courage to make him talk, to make him trust him.
It was just a day later when they were studying when, judging by Tanjirou’s eyebags and poor appetite that he found a burning pain heating in his chest. He must move, now. There’s no time to feel scared, no time to think so selfishly, the person he loves is hurting right in front of him, and he can’t take it anymore.
They were both sitting on the dinner table, another study date for this class they share together. There were so many books and notes around as well as some mock tests solved and some on the other side waiting to be their new headache on the subject. This time they both made a pause to read and solve some exercises on their own. Genya closed his textbook and tried to gather Tanjirou’s attention.
“What’s wrong, Genya?” Tanjirou’s voice was low, he was tired.
“I-I want to ask you that, too.”
“Hm? What do you mean?” a little, worried grin came out, tilting his head.
“We trust each other, right? You made me promise that long time ago,” Genya grabbed Tanjirou’s hand, it was cold. “What’s wrong, Tanjirou?”
Tanjirou’s little smile fade away really fast, but he tried to push himself back to his cheerful mode before it was too late, “There’s nothing wrong-“
For Genya’s surprise, before Tanjirou could finish his excuse he choked on his own breath, letting some tears flow down his face. Genya stood up from his site and grabbed his chair, moving it near Tanjirou, the moment he sat, they were already hugging, the smaller boy being nothing but a sobbing mess.
It was strange to feel him like this, it made him want to cry even though he didn’t even know what was wrong for him to break down this fast, and this bad. How much did he wait? How long has he been suffering? How long had he been on the edge because no one was there to grab him? Because he wasn’t there for his boyfriend? To talk to him, and lend him a hand? What was he so scared for, when Tanjirou, the person he loves, the person who has been always there for him, was suffering so much?
A deep sense of guilt came for his throat. It felt like a deep, strong grip grabbing him from the neck and lifting him up so he couldn’t breathe. He was so close to break into tears for his cowardice, but he must be the support for Tanjirou now. Let’s focus on now, we can apologize later, a calm tone came from inside his mind.
“I-I’m s-so sca…red, Genya…” Tanjirou barely could breathe, choking on his tears constantly, falling down and not giving him a second to breathe and calm down. Genya moved his hands, so instead of pressing him on a hug, he made sure Tanjirou was breathing, making him lean his head on his left shoulder. His left hand was now focused on his back, caressing it, drawing little circles with his palm so he could calm down, and his right hand was holding Tanjirou’s.
“Why? What happened?” He spoke as low as he could, a soft tone was difficult to achieve with his natural voice, but he made the attempt for it to be as calm as possible.
“It…it’s Ne…Nezuko…” he mumbled.
Right. Nezuko. She’s Tanjirou’s little sister, when she was 13 she fell ill, it was almost as if she couldn’t recover and was on the edge of death for almost two years. All the hospitals they visited said the same, that she didn't have too long, that she would die soon. Genya met Tanjirou back then, and despite having his little sister on the hospital, dying every day a little more, he still went to school, still forced his way into Genya’s heart, still helped him solve his strained relationship with his brother. Once he knew about her existence –thanks to the school’s gossiping– she was already recovering, almost completely healthy.
She wasn’t supposed to fall ill again.
“What’s wrong with her?”
“She-she’s ill…Genya, she’s ill again…” another wave of tears came down, frustration and anger portrayed on his face now, “…and-and I can’t… I can’t go see her… because I… I’m here and…” a little sob escaped, “I don’t know…Genya, I don’t know what t-to do…”
It’s true that during these times it’s hard to leave the apartment or the university’s library, finals are so, so dense, some of their friends couldn’t even eat without feeling the next test coming for their necks. For this to happen to the Kamado family, just on the worst timing ever, was like a sin, like a terrible mistake the gods committed to the sweetest, most caring family in the world. Genya didn’t know what to say, but as while his hand was traveling up to stroke Tanjirou’s hair, caressing his little face and shoving the tears away, he tried to dive down into his boyfriend's pain.
“Did her illness come back?”
“N…no, no… god, no,” he sniffed, “She…she caught the flu… but she’s in the hospital…” Tanjirou managed to calm down a little, now that he no longer was crying, this time holding Genya’s hand back, squeezing it tighter, "...what if she gets worse?"
Genya sighed in relief, it was better than expected, but the fact she’s back in the hospital is still worth worry. He leaned his head down, his cheek now supporting itself on Tanjirou’s forehead. He thought his words thousands of times before he finally spoke.
“You know, Tanjirou,” Genya drew little patterns on Tanjirou’s hands, “your family is so, so strong, I wouldn’t doubt they would overcome something like this. You already know that, right?”
“…Yes.”
“It’s okay to feel sad, and scared. They’re your family, after all. But you, your family, Nezuko, you all managed to get over all the obstacles on your way, isn’t it?”
He nodded. Now he was the one drawing pattern on Genya’s palm.
“Let’s do something. Alright? The second we finish our finals; we will both grab the first ticket and go to your home, and we’ll see Nezuko and your family too.”
Tanjirou jumped on his place, hitting Genya’s head with his very hard forehead. They both had to separate for a little to, first, check Genya’s current state and second, to hear Tanjirou apologize fifty times in a second.
“Stop apologizing--it didn’t hurt that much.”
“But-okay, okay,” he leaned his head back again on his site –Genya’s shoulder– “Do you really mean it?”
“Why would I lie about that?” Genya let out a long sigh faking total disbelief “I thought you were smarter, my love.”
“I am smarter, I just…”
“We’re not poor either,” he interrupted.
“Shhhh!! Sh! I’m trying to talk here!!” Tanjirou pouted, his face recovering its pinkish color little by little, like he came back to life, “It just caught me off guard, since we’ve never gone there together.”
“Yeah, we never did now that I think about it. Maybe next time we go I will go ask your mom to lend me your hand in ma-“ his mouth was covered.
“P-please, Genya.”
In a form to show defeat, Genya shrugged. Tanjirou left go of his hand, letting him free again.
“I was just saying. Then, now that you seem to have gained your energy, how about we call it a day and drink some hot chocolate? I’m freezing.” Lies, he just wants chocolate.
“But the test…”
“We can study tomorrow, and my boyfriend isn’t in conditions to study now-move your head” Tanjirou went back to his place and Genya stood up to clean up the desk, closing all the books and grabbing the mock tests, piling them all in a little tower on the corner, “you just said you’re smart, so a pair of hours less of study won’t hurt you” he can’t say the same about himself, though. But sacrifices needed to be made. "Go to the living room, if you touch the books, I will add salt to your chocolate instead of sugar."
While Genya was leaving to the kitchen, he could see Tanjirou standing up and move to the sofa on the other side of their shared apartment, sniffing all the way there.
While he was preparing everything to make the so promised hot chocolate, he spiraled into his thoughts.
He fucked up really bad, he really did. Feeling fear to not overstep boundaries made him take the worst choice he could’ve made. Even worse, if it weren’t because his boyfriend looked terrible today, he would’ve stayed quiet, letting him endure all this anxiety on his own. He felt terrible, how dare he?, when Genya was feeling even a little down Tanjirou would be glued to him, hugging him all the goddamn time, then, what was so hard for him to do the same?
He sighed as the chocolate had finally reached the desired temperature.
While he was on his way to the living room, he could spot a burgundy hair –long enough to be tied in a tiny ponytail– peeping on the armrest. Tanjirou was hugging one of the cushions, his eyes still watery. He was staring to the tv showing some kids’ show, because yes, Tanjirou may be a 22yo college student, but he would still watch kids’ shows. He can’t blame him though, his little siblings would be watching the same channel all day so he, too, gained some affection to those shows.
Genya kneeled and let the tray with the two mugs rest on the coffee table, handing one of the mugs –the green one, because he won’t drink anything if it’s not his green mug– to the boy hiding sixty percent of his whole body with a cushion, and then he took his, sitting carefully on the sofa. Tanjirou stretched his free hand to grab Genya’s hoodie, moving awkwardly to accommodate himself under his arm and making them both lay on the sofa, he could have actually waited for both to let their mugs down so they couldn’t risk either breaking one of them or spilling all the chocolate on the sofa and floor, but we will let him be, since he’s in a bad mood.
It was actually convenient for the coffee table to be so close to them, so Genya could let his mug over there and rest his free hand hanging from the sofa, the other being too busy covering the smaller boy from the danger outside their homes –and inside his mind–.
Tears were tempted to fall down again from Tanjirou’s face as he seemed to remember the unknown status of his little sister, but every time it happened he would take a big sip from his cup and then focus on the show in front of him. Genya could only keep covering his face and forehead with little pecks everywhere to cheer him up even if just a little.
But there was still this feeling of guilt growing up bigger in his heart.
“I’m sorry,” Genya mumbled, leaving Tanjirou’s now empty mug on the coffee table.
“Sorry for what?”
“I… I wasn’t there for you. Up until now, I let you alone and I didn’t-I didn’t” he took a deep breath, it’s not his time to break down, he must stay strong, “I wish I realized earlier, so you couldn’t have been, I don’t know, like this for so long.”
Tanjirou let go a small, soft smile, “how cheesy”
“Shut up, god” he pinched one of Tanjirou’s cheeks, “I was being honest and you do this to me? I cannot believe you, Kamado Tanjirou” he let go of his cheek, satisfied with the dark pink spot left.
“You deserve it,” he crossed his arms, like some sort of angry parent about to scold their child, “You have been always there, Genya. I know you’re-we’re all stressed, and this… I just didn’t want to make any of you feel worse than you are already with finals and all… I’m-”
“I fucking swear to god if you even dare to apologize right now I will crush your skull into piec-“
“Okay!! Okay I won’t!! geez” Genya was interrupted by two small hands covering his mouth, “I was just saying”
“You told me that, right? Do you remember?” he said grabbing both wrists and pulling them down, allowing himself speak and hopefully not be interrupted again. “You made me promise to god and my ancestors to trust you whenever I feel down, no matter what.”
Despite it being years ago, the memories are still fresh on their minds. When after two weeks or so since they started dating Genya kept excusing himself from school and wasn’t leaving –back then– Himejima-sensei’s house. The worry of all his friends growing bigger as he didn’t answer to their calls and even Shinazugawa-sensei’s face was strained in some mix between concern and regret.
He had such a heated argument with Sanemi, that the mean words thrown by his big brother had done a real damage to Genya, making him insolate himself and drown in sadness and pain inside his room.
When Tanjirou broke into his house and got inside his room, he didn’t only force him to promise them to speak out about whatever is clouding their minds, but also managed to unveil the truth under Sanemi’s words. Heck, he even managed to solve things to the extent the Shinazugawa brothers lived together until he moved to their shared apartment with Tanjirou.
He then realized two things. First, it’s okay to find support in your friends whenever you’re sad, and the fact there’s someone willing to listen to you is something you should take advantage of, and second, never make Tanjirou upset ever.
Given the long silence covering the room, Genya insisted.
“Tanjirou-“
“I remember, of course I remember. I just-I don’t know,” he sighed, “I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to speak.”
Genya then released Tanjirou’s wrists and embraced him into another hug, “yeah, okay, whatever. If it’s hard for you to speak, then I will have to butt in whenever I see you acting strangely. Modern problems, modern solutions,” he rested his chin on the other’s forehead.
It has been so long since the last time he heard Tanjirou’s genuine laugh. It made him freeze on place at the realization that it had been really long since the last time he heard that honest laugh and not a fake, short one forced out to fulfill his friend’s needs for validation.
They stayed the night like this, laughing at whatever the main character from this stupid, childish show was attempting and failing nonstop, giving themselves some time to talk, taking full advantage from this little, short break from study, caring deeply from each other, learning, even though slowly, how to take care of their mental health on these hard times, this storm only starting as their problems don’t seem to cease.
But they knew, while they were together like this, they will be heading forward until they can spot the rainbow at the end of this.
“Hey, Genya?”
“Hmm?”
Tanjirou lifted himself from his site to give him a soft peck on the lips.
“I love you.”
Genya’s face was precious, no matter how many times they can kiss each other, his cheeks would light up a little every time it happens.
“I love you too, my dear,” he mumbled, kissing him back.
